After weeks of working on my autobiography I can now release a .PDF copy.
This is still a work in progress.
My plans are still to post this on Kindle to give away.
You can read the document in PDF HERE
I am posting both the Foreword and the Postscript here.
A few days ago I listened to an inspiring interview with Pfizer whistle-blower, Dr Mike Yeadon. In it, he described how he lost his mother at 18 months and was first neglected and then abandoned by his father. He describes how this influenced the rest of his life, from being very introverted and developing a deep aversion to bullying behaviour. I resonated with this.
I was never neglected or abandoned like Mike Yeadon. I had very loving and caring parents but they were in their 40s when I arrived on the scene and my brother and sister were 8 and 10 years older respectively.
Clarissa Pinkola Estes, in her book, Women That Run with the Wolves, says the following;
“You may not belong to your original family at all. You may match your family genetically, but temperamentally, you belong to another group of people. Or you may belong to your family’s family perfunctorily while your soul leaps out, runs down the road and is gluttonously happy munching spiritual cookies somewhere else”
This may be a message for women but I think that may explain much of my earlier life. Perhaps, growing into a more conscious mode of living was about finding my real family?
I spent many of my formative years isolated on a farm and so I had to fall on my own resources for play, with only occasional connections with other children who often lived 5 miles away.
I, therefore, developed a vivid imagination. I studied other countries, drew lots of maps, wrote short stories and set up things like the Danny Kaye fan club or the Dog and Horse Society that had two members – a fairly retarded friend from school and my beloved aunt Barbara. It meant that I always befriended the underdog, people who were less fortunate than myself.
When I was at what is called prep school, between the ages of 10 and 13, I was quite drawn to religion and some of my knowledge of the Bible still comes from then.
A move to a repressive, traditional boy’s school killed all that and I soon became a silent rebel and from being drawn to religion I became an atheist and was against anything connected with established religion, simply because it was foisted on us. An example of this sort of adolescent response, when we were compelled to sing hymns in the chapel, was to substitute the word “God” with “Dog”. I also became a convinced communist of sorts for the same reason.
In hindsight, it was a sort of quiet rebellion. In part, it was a concern for the underdog, in part, a sort of romanticism that took me away from what I was experiencing at the school that I hate to this day, a reaction to the cloying atmosphere and boredom of life in the early-1970’s Christchurch away. It was an escape from the narrowness and boredom of life in 1960s Britain in much the same way that anarchic humour was to those who were involved in the Monty Python TV series.
You had to be a certain type of conformist to fit in with the society of the day although I have learned to appreciate those times more in hindsight.
My life, almost until I reached the age of 30 was like that. I was pretty miserable and lonely and found solace amongst people who were very different to me and had very little positive to offer me.
I had numerous romantic dalliances with Russian women and ended up marrying Natasha who hailed from Leningrad and was older than me.
More of that later.
Basically, I never thought of the consequences of my actions on others (or, indeed myself) and it was all very self-indulgent and, above all, unconscious. True, I never got into drugs or rock n’ roll and I never committed any crimes, but I have a lot to repent. I’m not ashamed because without my past I would not be where I am and might have become stuck in what I was then.
I always had a very close relationship with my mother and I recall how we were able to talk about many things. But it was one of great emotional attachment.
I only started to grow up after my mother died of cancer when I was 27. I recall her telling me of an out-of-body experience she had when she was diagnosed with a secondary brain tumour. She described how while having a brain scan she left her body, and was attracted towards the Light but returned after seeing the helplessness of my father who was moving into dementia.
By contrast, my relationship with my father was emotionally distant. He had his reasons why he was not capable of great emotional intimacy that related to his childhood and the lack of love shown to him by his mother, my grandmother who not only went through the trauma of losing both her sisters in a volcanic eruption in 1903 but must have been incapable of great motherly feelings towards the two surviving sets of twins she gave birth to. I was incapable of taking any of that into account and my father was someone to be quietly rebelled against. I was later able to develop a loving relationship with him and, indeed, was able to be there for him emotionally (as opposed to practically and financially after he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and taken into care. I had a certain degree of acceptance of his situation that neither my brother nor sister was capable of. By the same token, I was not capable of the practicalities of looking after his Estate and protecting his wealth. That fell to my brother about whom I will have a lot to say later.
About 2 years after my mother died, and after my then-girlfriend, Elena left for Australia I found myself invited to a ceremonial event with the monks of the Buddhist monastery that was then being built. Hearing the abbot, Ajahn Viradhammo speak I felt as if I had come home and so began a long period of spiritual seeking which involved a 16-month trip to Asia to find myself and 10 months of living as a novice in Bodhinyanarama, the Buddhist monastery here in the Wellington area.
My mother’s death at an early age in some ways could be seen in some ways as a kind of rebirth for me. Had she lived longer perhaps I would not have developed in the way I did but perhaps have remained stuck. I have always thought that there was a kind of transmission. Not only was I able to finally grow up but learn to look inwards and foster this inner growth. I went through the acute pain of loss but came out the other side, I believe, a better person. No conventional success in my life; no successful career, no great wealth or bringing up children – the things people use to measure “success”. But my life has been a success in other ways. I have transcended a life of unaware self-centeredness to one where I am far more capable of self-reflection and of seeing the world as it really is. Others grow up through careers and bringing up children. I have not experienced that, but I have lived a rich and eventful life and have developed a level of introspection and self-reflection that I do not see frequently in others.
I came together with my “Significant Other”, Pam, through a shared passion for Buddhism, meditation and yoga. Even though I, at least, have moved on from those things, at least in their original forms we have discovered shared interests, first in tramping (as we call trekking in New Zealand) and then later horse riding. However, it is sharing at a deeper level that has sustained us. We are often on a similar wavelength on many of the things that interest us both. Often, the other has been able to enunciate what the other is thinking. We come from very different backgrounds but there is much more to bring us together than, say, with my own family which, these days, since my own sickness and since the days covid19 appeared in our lives I have had little to do with.
You will find very little of my work life, such as it was – the various jobs I had in my student years, several years working as a clerk / “assistant advisory officer”, a couple of years as a driving instructor and then almost 15 years studying and practising Traditional Chinese Medicine. The latter had a profound effect on me while the former reflected my earlier unconsciousness and inability to find a path in life.
What follows are episodes from my life from things I have written previously over the years. They are taken from previous recollections and often from readings from diaries that I made several years ago. It is not so much a “biography” as parts of my life that I care to share. They are subjective and not designed to be a work of literature. This autobiography. This is written up for my benefit, as my health declines and is scarcely likely to be of much interest to others. Nevertheless, I am throwing them out to the few that might find them of interest. Everything I have alluded to here is discussed in greater detail in the following chapters.
I feel an urgency to get out what is essentially a life assessment.
If there is a lot of material so have put it through electronic editing software. If you see any strange discrepancies in style it may be because I have put the text through Chat GPT.
Intuition tells me I feel an urge to get out what is essentially a life review urgently. I write quickly and steadily as memories pass through me. That may mean that the book is not a great work of literature and the editing may not be perfect. I have compromised by putting it through an AI editing tool while endeavouring to maintain my own style. If you discover the odd discrepancy and the odd sentence or paragraph may seem a bit flowery. That is because I have put the odd bit through Chat GPT that can throw up some interesting writing that is often far from what I intended.
I hope you will enjoy reading this. If you want to skip some parts, like my earlier life, which may seem a bit tedious, then the contents may help you to skip to those parts that are more interesting.
“Thus saith the Lord; Cursed be the man that trusteth in man, and maketh flesh his arm, and whose heart departeth from the Lord.
“For he shall be like the heath in the desert, and shall not see when good cometh; but shall inhabit the parched places in the wilderness, in a salt land and not inhabited”.
It is now time for me to sum up.
The last 3-4 years have made me reconsider just about all my previous assumptions of previous years.
The first is climate change. I had been following Guy McPherson, probably the most pessimistic voice on climate change but had a sudden break with him after I started doing my own research into the state of the Arctic ice and seeking answers for what I was seeing in the skies above. It was a shocking eventuality that has come up time after time. But, it has allowed me to recognize the giant “elephant in the sky“, geoengineering. It has allowed me to recognize that things are much more complicated than we are being told.
For one, having looked at the reality behind the UN biodiversity goals and Agenda- 2030, one has to then ask the serious questions, what is being done by organisations like the UN or the World Economic Forum in the name of saving the planet from man-made climate change. Pam, a little sceptical about claims being made, so she decided to look for herself. On examining UN Agenda-20 documents she found that one of the sustainability goals was mass vaccination.
What has that got to do with saving the planet from climate change? It is starting to look like eugenics. Perhaps the “conspiracy theorists” were correct after all?
I have observed that “conspiracy theories“, which are at best inferences based on mostly-provable evidence, often have a habit, in time of becoming “conspiracy facts“. Some social media memes ask what the difference is between “conspiracy theory” and fact. The answer is six months. I have noted, in the last 3 years, even the arch-conspiracy theorist, the much-maligned David Icke has been proven right in many of the most “outrageous” things he has had to say.
I have also made changes, spiritually. What past spiritual practices have done for me, including, primarily the realisation I had In Lucknow, India almost 30 years ago no longer serves me in this new age. It has given me a mostly quiet and receptive mind able to communicate with what I called Totality. But, paradoxically what is supposed to free the mind from the concept of the individual seems to still centre around the individual and his realisation.
I have looked at Eckhart Tolle, and Mooji, as representatives of the non-dual understanding and none of them has ever addressed what I regard as the main issues of the day – morality and the concept of Good vs. Evil. When I heard Eckhart Tolle answer a question about whether artificial intelligence can become aware he made a joke that the last time he looked into his iPhone it was not self-aware. To me, it sounded like the scorn materialists heap upon the faithful. It was a form of amoralism that I once shared, thinking that once realisation came the right, moral behaviour would come automatically. I no longer think that’s true.
As one teacher I know, a moral relativist once said, “You can be enlightened and still have a shitty personality“. You can certainly have a mindful thief or murderer. There is always a conceptual framework behind everything. I have,
In these dark times there definitely is something called Evil. It is not just an unenlightened or deluded mind. The same friend who is the moral relativist will, until this day, will, mainly using what I regard as sophistry, deny that Hitler was evil. Presumably because Evil doesn’t exist.
But, even according to Advaita Vedanta teacher, Ramesh Balsekar, there is a difference between polarities (which exist) and dualism.
The problem with a dualistic concept of Good vs Evil lies in where we place the dividing line. It implies that I can say “I am good, but you are evil”.
The great Russian writer and moralist Alexander Solzhenitsyn lays out the problem best for me in his work, the Gulag Archipelago:
“If only it were all so simple! If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?”
So, Evil exists and it is very palpable. Perhaps, how Christianity gets around the problem by making a distinction between Sin and Evil. We are all sinners, through our fallen nature, but not all of us are evil. For instance, Vladimir Putin is a sinner. He is probably not a “good man”. He may be a bad man, even, arguably a very bad man. What he is not, however, is evil.
I have left much of the past, my old assumptions behind but not rejected it. I just recognize the limitations, especially now. The eastern traditions just don’t measure up for me, now. The people I most admire are all committed Christians or at least very spiritual people.
I have spent many months searching my soul and have, with help from one dear friend in particular, come to the realisation that I am Christian and do have a direct relationship with Jesus as Saviour.
It is, however not the Christianity meant by fundamentalists but it is far, far away from what the modern churches teach. Just from my limited knowledge of the New Testament, I have seen clearly, say from John 3, that Jesus said we need to be born again to be saved.
“Jesus answered and said unto him, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God”
— (John 3:3).
To me, that implies a direct relationship with Jesus, not a mediated one, through Pope, priest or pastor. The Bible is not all about love but is primarily about spiritual warfare, Good vs Evil.
I firmly believe that Jesus was God’s Son and Savior. But, there are many roads to Jesus. I do believe the New Testament is the inspired Word of God, but do I believe literally that Noah saved God’s Creation in an Ark during the Flood or that Jesus was physically lifted up to Heaven, a place in the sky.? Possibly not so much.
I believe that the Church Fathers received the direct word of God just as people today can receive direct messages from the Holy Spirit. But the messages are delivered through the receiving apparatus, the human mind in a form that is recognizable to the individual. It is therefore mythology, not in the common materialist sense of something that is “made-up” but in the positive sense of Joseph Campbell who defined myth as stories that help humans through life. Another person who comes to mind is someone who definitely believed in God and the Afterlife – Carl Gustav Jung and his “Collective Unconscious“.
This may all well be regarded as heresy, but so be it. I have always had an independent approach, so am not going off to join a church or any other organisation. If there was anyone in dereliction it is churches, all of them. If I was going to join a church it would probably be the Orthodox church which does not appear to have sacrificed its central teachings and is probably, now, the closest to the original teachings of Christ. They have not turned to apostasy.
Along with the Catholics, the Anglicans and other mainstream churches, I reject the concepts that have infected most of the evangelical, Protestant churches of dispensationalism and the Rapture. The idea of some sort of zionist church is enough to send me running as far as I can.
However, I am a newbie and a work-in-progress.
I have spent 13 years running my blog which has largely been a warning to people of what is coming. I have been somewhat of a prophet of doom. Now the future is upon us and we are living the consequences.
As I write this we stand on the precipice of great change that all has the potential to significantly reduce the world’s population and to reduce those that remain to transhuman slaves. This would be the end of the species, homo sapiens as we have known.
In the meantime, everything that has acted as the glue for, at least the western world is falling apart. Economies are collapsing and lifestyles are being destroyed. All the while, we are being told that the opposite is true.
I have unstintingly put all my energy for the past 12 years into warning people of what I saw as the greatest dangers at the time. In terms of warning people and “doing the news” I have lost much of my drive.
I will, of course, continue to be loyal to my regular readers but as far as what I have been doing every day for 13 years I’m doing.
I have decided, in the face of all this, to put my own soul and the Collective Spirit of humanity first. I need to give time to myself.